Heather Evans Editorial

I told myself, promised myself in fact, that when writing my next post the last thing I would do is contribute to the current, persistent, global dialogue. Conversations of rightful concern surrounding COVID-19 along with daily news updates are relentless, anxiety-inducing, and point-blank frightening. Yet, when you’re locked inside and the world around you has changed in a shockingly short space of time, it’s pretty much impossible to ignore. No matter who you are, it’s a lived experience that we are all sharing and dealing with in our own way.

Even before the lockdown was announced, social media was becoming highly saturated with corona-chat. Guardian opinion pieces publishing in abundance; businesses valiantly parading their targeted initiatives in helping the vulnerable; keyboard warriors aggressively venting and outing their neighbours over Facebook like a modern day 1984; to influencers and celebrities on Instagram, Twitter, and TikTok showing off their out-of-touch lockdown luxuries, proving how one can maintain a sense of humour and an outrageous body if you just have money and a nice garden in a time of crisis. As much as we may be doing our planet a favour by letting it breathe and reversing the damaging environmental impact we have inflicted upon it, our indoor eco-systems are becoming polluted with the inescapable fumes of pandemically-fuelled chatter.

That’s why I didn’t want to write about it. Because, ultimately, what else is there left to say? The conversation is boring, upsetting, and repetitive. Although some of the writing being presented to the public is meant to keep positivity and mental well-being on a high, the bottom line is that we are living in a time which we weren’t prepared for.

However, I know that in the grand scheme of things I am incredibly lucky. I am still employed, live with my two best friends, and I am not considered a vulnerable person. My family are safe, and I am yet to feel the personal affects of the virus apart from remaining indoors. Although there are thousands of people in life-shattering circumstances in comparison to myself, the one fortunate thing we do have is the ability to stay connected to our loved ones and the outside world. Zoom, FaceTime, phone calls – the options are almost overwhelming.

And it is overwhelming. With this constant, expected availability of the world and ourselves, there comes a different kind pressure – the pressure of being the best outward version of yourself with regards to productivity, physicality, and personality. And do you know what? Nothing, absolutely nothing, beats physical presence. I think I can speak on behalf of the world when I say that all I want right now is a hug.

Since spending more time with myself in isolation, it has made me realise that spending time with myself is just something I don’t do. Actually, it is something I purposefully avoid. From this time inside figuratively and metaphorically, I am learning that I use socialising as a coping mechanism to distance myself from some home truths within. I have never been comfortable in my own company, and as much as I wish I could say I was my own best friend I just know that me, myself and I are not the kindest trio when it comes to hanging out. Busying myself in the outside world meant I could dull down the voices in my head, and now they are in conversation with me loud and clear.

As a consequence of this, I have tried to find other ways to occupy myself as to not let my world go silent. Initially, I saw this period of time as a positive excuse to cleanse and reframe my focus, thinking self-isolation was the perfect environment for self-improvement. Trust me, I have cleaned my house top to bottom, experimented with as many new vegan dishes as humanly possible, started yoga, and digested books like they are chocolate cake. Yet, I still feel sad. And that’s okay.

The reasons I am feeling down are plentiful. There’s a pandemic going on. Work is nuts. I miss my partner, family, and friends. It’s sunny. I would much prefer to be in a pub garden than in my flat. These are things everyone is going through. But, another reason is that I was doing these things which normally make people feel happier and I felt no different. I had to sit down with myself to figure out why.

Really, the reason why they weren’t making me happy was because I wasn’t listening to myself. I was doing these, albeit positive, activities because they objectively bring people joy, but I wasn’t doing them because they bring me specific happiness. As much as I struggle sitting and being honest with myself, I have decided now to use this time for self-reflection so I can learn to be a better pal to myself in the long haul rather than seek short-term gratification.

After listening to what I personally need right now, I’ve decided to share some things I have discovered since being alone. Hopefully they might be helpful or resonate with you:

You don’t need to be productive everyday.

We are socially constructed within a capitalist system to think we need to achieve, contribute, or produce something everyday. I’m afraid that the rules no longer apply and we all need to calm down. People close to me know that I am governed by to-do lists, but it’s okay to throw away the pen for a day. Sometimes the best use of your energy isn’t forcing yourself to deep-clean your house or tick non-important things off a list – put that energy into looking after yourself and your changing, daily needs. At the very least, remember you are doing something productive for everyone else by staying home.

Self-improvement doesn’t need to happen during self-isolation.

Okay, I think we would all be lying if we haven’t thought that during this time we would endeavour to better ourselves. But what does that really mean? When it is a struggle to get what you need from the shops and you can’t see your nearest and dearest, I think all goals of becoming ‘better’ can be put on the back seat. Of course, if you are finding things that are helping you through this time, such as running etc., then great. However, life is difficult enough right now without putting more expectation and weight from yourself on your shoulders.

Do what actually brings you joy.

Tap into what you genuinely enjoy doing rather than doing activities because it kills time. Naturally, it is nice to get jobs done that we have been meaning to get to for ages. However, I have found doing things, such as writing this blog, have been far more positive for me than any odd job or forced work-out video. Remember that not everything you do needs a final tangible product; you should do things for the experience as well as for the ending.

Write things down.

I used to write in a journal everyday pre-pandemic just to get some thoughts down, but it went to the wayside a little at the beginning of this year. My housemate has said that she writes down three pages everyday of literally anything that comes to her head, and I have found it really helpful when I’m figuring out how I am feeling and what I need. A bit like chatting to a piece of paper, it seems to clean my head and it doesn’t need to be for anything else but yourself.

Routines are good, but be flexible.

It’s good to have structure, but if you become too rigid in your daily schedule then it can become a bit unhealthy. The question I have in my head when I am doing things is, who is this serving? Is it me? We are living in super uncertain times, so be fluid in how your day unfolds and know that because you woke up later, did things in a different order, or didn’t manage to go for daily exercise that doesn’t mean the day was a failure.

You can still say ‘no’ to invitations

Now more than ever we are expected to always be available and ready to socialise. However, if you want a quiet evening to yourself and not do the virtual meeting, quiz, or call with your friends or family that’s okay. You can say no for your well-being just like how you might have turned down a trip to the pub before. Yet, I would always evaluate your reasoning for saying ‘no, not tonight’ – make sure you are not closing off permanently as this can be damaging too.

Make the effort to treat yourself, because you’re worth it.

It is so easy to be in loungewear and feel like you don’t deserve a bit of love in these times. However, do try and find ways of treating yourself as you probably need it more than ever. Use your favourite baths bombs you’ve been saving; do face masks with your housemates; put on some new make-up and your favourite outfit. My housemate and I had a cocktail/pamper evening the other night just to make ourselves feel better, and although ‘self-care’ can seem a bit simplistic in worrying times, I honestly felt so much better. It may not solve the world’s problems, but don’t underestimate the power of getting dressed.

So, why am I writing this post? Because I’ve decided to take my own advice for a change. Blogging is something that brings me joy, and it has made me get to know myself a little better. Although I hope this post will help those reading it, the process of writing and editing has been quite cathartic and helpful for me in finding ways to isolate with me, myself and I. I encourage you to do the same, staying safe and healthy.

Hev xo