Heather Evans Editorial

I know I may be bias, but having your birthday in June is definitely the optimal time of year. Some may want to fight me on this, but see if you’re not convinced by the points below:

• It breaks up the long ole’ year at a mid-way point with an occasion to feel excited about.
• Everyone has had six months to figure out a well-thought out present that isn’t wrapped in festive paper.
• You inevitably have used up all of the toiletries gifted at Christmas (and all your socks have holes in them) and it’s the perfect time for a re-stock.
• The sun is out, which means you can spend your time relishing the rays in a pub garden or drinking tinnies in the park.
• Everyone has money once more, so they can spend a longer time relishing the rays in said pub garden and park celebrating your entrance into this world.

All in all, life is a piece of birthday cake.

That’s exactly what I did on my birthday. I invited a bunch of my closest pals to The White Rabbit in Oxford for pizza, beer and good cheer. Being a twin, I have never gotten over the strangeness of not spending the day with my other half. It never feels right, and I doubt it ever will. I took a moment to think about her, sent her a text wishing her a good evening, and when I looked up I felt I was having an out of body experience, observing myself and my friends in the room. In this moment as I looked around, I realised that this was the happiest I had felt in the longest time.

Yet, rather than feeling the warmth of friendship and love, I instantly felt a sense of dread and foreboding in the pit of my stomach. This feeling, this happiness, would come to an end. Ultimately, everything is temporary.

Although I say June is the best time of year for a birthday, birthdays can be incredibly difficult. More than any other time of year, my birthday brings to the forefront absence rather than presence, and despite feeling grateful for what is presently in front of me I cannot stop myself from looking around and seeing how much has changed. I get fixated on what isn’t there and who no longer shows up.

This feeling that everything and everyone around me will slowly slip through my fingers has consumed me throughout this month. It has felt like someone is persistently stamping on my throat, making it harder and harder to breathe with each breath I take. I don’t think it is an exaggeration to say that I have cried almost every single day.

My 22nd year on being on this earth has been the happiness I have been in myself, ever. I struggled after university to feel complete after being rejected by friends, relationships and jobs, and I felt the good years of my life had well and truly past. When I received my job offer and eventually moved my ass to Oxford, I gained the most brilliant network of pals that I am lucky to call my best friends. I have found friendships where there is no competition amongst each other or popularity contest, where everyone values and cares for each other despite our differences, and no one expects anything off of each other apart from you and your authentic self. When someone is down, we bring each other up. Apart from a few of my closest friends I made at school and university, I have never really had this before. It makes me emotional thinking about it; the feeling of acceptance and love.

I was carrying this weight in my chest from the moment I turned 23, and one day I just broke. With so much going on in my head and personal life, I just couldn’t stop the tears from coming. I didn’t want to be by myself, but I didn’t want anyone around either. I eventually rang up my partner but I couldn’t say what was wrong. Everything? Nothing? I couldn’t articulate a thing.

It was only when I was adding more salt to my peri-salted chips from my tears at Nandos that I could identify what was causing me to feel so down.

Time does go by fast when you’re having fun, and I was having the time of my life. It was the first time that I realised that happiness was no longer a destination I was bitterly trying to reach, but I had been joyfully residing in the all-inclusive resort of Happiness Hotel for a while now. Now that I have noticed, I was terrified that I was going to be checked-out. All good things come to an end, and this is around about the time in my experience that they do – when everything is just perfect.

Ever since this realisation, I have been paranoid that my friends will begin to not like me, that I cannot say no to social occasions in fear that I would be deemed ‘boring’ or would be forgotten, that my job is going to go to pot, and that my partner is going to turn around and realise that I’m too much. Then I would cry. After this, I would do a 360 turn and think I am being ridiculous and I am self-sabotaging myself, but then believe that the damage is already done. It has been exhausting.

After having some heart-warming chats with my partner and friends, I have realised that I cannot go through life being scared of its temporality. Life’s unpredictability is what makes it so fun and beautiful, and often the best moments in life come when change happens.  The experiences, changes and failed relationships I have had have made me the person I am today, and rather than be suffocated by the thought of people leaving and relying on them for my happiness I need to find happiness and presence within myself. Likewise, rather than focussing on people’s absence, I need to look at those who love me presently. If people want to leave, and if changes happen, let them.

Talking about those who celebrated my birthday with me, this brings me onto the tea and book that I received for my birthday from my lovely friends and manager at work!

Firstly, let’s talk tea. My editor knows all about this blog, and since going vegan I have been looking for some teas that would hit the spot as well as an English Breakfast. She really delivered when she got me the Bird and Blend co. Be Vegan Tea Box.

I have been eyeing this up since Christmas, so I was stoked when receiving it. Inside, it contains 5 flavours of the most gorgeous loose leaf tea that are perfect without milk. These include: Bananas and Custard, Honey Bee Beautiful, Chocolate Digestives, Peppermint Cream and Rice Moo-Long. All of them are lovely and suit any mood, from wanting a relaxing brew, i.e. Honey Bee Beautiful and Peppermint Cream, to waiting the kick of a black tea, i.e. Chocolate Digestives, to waiting something that is just like a dessert, i.e. Bananas and Custard and Rice Moo-Long (which contains popcorn!). Although all of them are designed to be drunk without milk, when I went in the store in London the assistant said that the Bananas and Custard tea is amazing as a cold brew with coconut milk, and boy didn’t he know his stuff. The box also came with 5 little drawstring teabags so you can reuse them for each of the teas, which is such a great idea in helping combat climate change. If I would pick a favourite, I would definitely say the Rice Moo-Long – it hits the spot as a black tea but also feels a bit special and decadent for an after dinner treat.

Finally, my friends got me The Mars Room by Rachel Kushner for my birthday, amongst other lovely things (including some lush bath oils yassssss honey). It was shortlisted for the 2018 Man Booker Prize and I can definitely see why. It follows the life sentence of Romy Hall, a prisoner at Stanville prisoner, and the reader is spoilt by her narration as well as others she encounters in the system. More gritty that Orange is the New Black, it had me hooked from the beginning. The story is not chronological, and it leaves the reader at the end wanting answers for characters you shouldn’t be sympathising with. It honestly shows how messed up the system is for all, and it touches on topics such as trans-prisoners, the corruption of cops, the unfairness of the justice system and the legitimacy of sex-work. I highly recommend it.

I am going to leave it there for now. After writing this, I do feel a sense of release. I am going to go where life takes me rather than fighting the inevitable, because it is a battle you are always going to lose. Right now, life is taking me to bed.

Love,

Hev xo